The irony of me, a divorced woman, with no husband and grown children, who works outside the home as a Kastle Keeper is somewhat of a misnomer, eh?
Today marks 15 years since my ex-husband left me and our two young sons. I don't normally remember this date, but for whatever reason this 15th milestone stood out. I was given a book years ago 'Biblical Mathematics' by Ed F. Vallowe - it has not only the common numbers - 5 = grace, 8 = new beginnings, etc. 15 = Rest.
I remember when my ex first left, thinking, "How can you walk away from your family?" Surely God will not allow this to happen. I had made up my mind long before I married I was NEVER going to get divorced. NEVER. Wouldn't happen.
Of course, you have to figure in 2 people making the same commitment. :-) Had I been asked at that juncture on a scale of 1 to 10, where did I rate as a wife, I would have said 8. As the years went by and God 'grew me up,' I realized my placement on the number line was slipping. I'd rank myself somewhere in the minus (-) area right now.
Does this mean I was a bad wife? I wasn't the best, however there were expectations from both that were not realistic. The culture and society in which we were raised fostered the idea of ease, comfort and selfishness. The culture says if you don't like someone, you can find a better model.
It makes one think, from a very early age, that relationships are about getting, not giving. About being happy (and yes there are happy times) and the other person meeting your needs (all or some). Relationships are hard work and messy! And not just marriage relationships! People say or do things without thinking, or don't and you think they should!
I've had times where I 'felt' like such a failure because I couldn't keep the marriage together, had children who weren't walking with the Lord, etc. etc. I'm comforted by the Word which shows me again and again to keep my focus on HIM. He has a purpose in everything He allows in our lives.
I don't know what the Lord has in store for me as I approach this 'bend' in the road...15 years a divorcee, approaching 50 (Jubilee), but He's carried me through and given me strength for the journey. He's blessed me with friends and spiritual family which have laughed and cried with me, booted me in the behind when needed and exhorted me to stay the course and loved me even when I am (or wasn't) very lovable.
I'm hopeful as an older woman, even if I don't 'match' what I think would make a perfect 'Kastle Keeper', whose had some refining and (ouch!!) dross removal, to be an encouragement to other women, married or single, widowed or divorced, with children or without. God didn't design us to be solitary, rather to be in relationships and community with one another. May HE grant each of us to touch the lives of others in a way which shows HIM.
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