A Husband Who Leads

Isn't that what most married women want? And single ladies in hopes of marrying want?  This question, or a form of it, came up in our Lies study, Chapter 6 (marriage). "If my husband is passive, I've got to take the initiative or nothing will get done."

I came across the blog post below from Pyromaniacs a while back and held onto...and reread it tonight, bulls eye!

"are you the sort of wife you would want to lead, if you were in your husband's shoes?"

Ouch...here's the entire article by Dan Phillips
Are you sure you want a husband who...?  ...leads?

I was a young(er), inexperienced pastor, and befriended two church members. Both were long-timers, very active, seemed like good folks.

As I got to know them better, I got the message very clearly from "Suzy": she was really frustrated with "Bill," because Bill just wouldn't lead. Suzy made this known in many ways, over and over. Bill was not leading, Suzy really wanted him to, she was really bitter and angry and frustrated over it.

Well I was youngish and green, and my dutiful goal was clear to me: I needed to work with Bill, help him become a leader in that marriage. So I spent time with Bill, worked with him, made suggestions. Bill was initially a bit leery but not unwilling. In fact, he became very cooperative.

The result? Bill became an effective leader, Suzy was radiantly happy, both praised and honored God, both loved me, and they remain dear friends to this day.

...

That sound you just heard, in that pause? It was 97% of the pastors reading this, laughing bitterly and saying "Riiiight!"

Those pastors can tell you what really came next. Suzy was not happy with Bill or with me, and both ended up hating me. Why? I'm sure many of you will assume I did things wrong, and I won't disagree with you. But the bottom-line was that Suzy did not want a leader for a husband, and Bill's reticence was a form of self-protection forged from that conflict.

Bill's shortcomings gave Suzy what she really wanted. She really wanted something to complain about in her husband. She wanted a tale to tell on him in gatherings. She wanted something to bring her sympathy and commiseration, to make her look martyred and longsuffering. It fed into her self-image. And she wanted to stay in charge.

Take away from that, and she lost something dear to her. See, everyone does what (s)he does because (s)he believes it will bring happiness. So this poor woman was batting away what sheneeded by the very things she did in pursuit of what she wanted. And I was sap enough to come between her and it, in kind of aProverbs 26:17 no-win situation.

Ladies, does any of that strike any chord within you, any "ouchy" chord? Look, it's just you and me, nobody's watching. You can be candid. You grouse about your poor schlub of a husband who doesn't initiate this and doesn't pursue that and doesn't decide for himself and do the other thing. Maybe your pastor and girlfriends know how frustrated you are. Maybe your pastor knows. Worst of all, maybe your children even know.

Let me ask you just two questions, as I've asked many more elsewhere.

First question: have you possibly contributed to his abdication?

Note the careful wording. Every man's sin is his own, as is every woman's. But God gave you to him to help him (Genesis 1:26); so you do have a crucial, God-given role in his life. He needs this from you. Are you giving it?
Proverbs 14:1 says, "Feminine wisdom builds her house, but feminine denseness tears it down with her own hands" (my translation). I've often thought "hands" could also be "tongue." God has given you a very powerful tongue, which you can use for good, to make him feel like a king (Proverbs 12:4a), or for evil, to eat out the very bones from within him (Proverbs 12:4b). But if you're wise, you will commit yourself to do your husband nothing but good, ever, whether with hands or tongue (Proverbs 31:11-12).

So how does he feel about leading you? Does his heart sing at the prospect? Or does he wince and cringe and groan, because he knows every decision will be faulted, criticized, found wanting, and countered; every mistake will noted, analyzed, and commented on; and every success will be minimized or credited elsewhere? Were I to ask your husband who his most loyal admirer and supporter was, would your name leap to his smiling lips? Should it?
Your husband listens to you better than you think he does, very possibly better than you listen to yourself. He hears you. What you say has an impact. If he's off in a corner somewhere rolled up into a ball, it may say all sorts of horrible things about him. But I'm not talking to him right now. I'm talking to you. And I'm asking you — have you played any part in that?
Second question: do you really want him to become a leader?

You see, the thing about a leader is he leads. That doesn't mean that he always demands his way, untouched by others' input. That's a fool, not a leader (Proverbs 12:15; 13:10; 15:22; 20:18). But it does mean that he will lead, that he will make the final decision. And it means that you must follow, and that not in a formal, outward, dotted-i-but-resentful-hearted way; you should follow respectfully and from the heart. At least, that's what God says (Ephesians 5:22f.; 1 Peter 3:1-6 [remember this post?]).

Now it is possible that you'd have 40, 50, 75 years of married bliss in which every notion your husband has just happens to be exactly what you'd have thought of yourself. Meanwhile, here on Planet Earth, odds are in the other direction. And what do you do in that case? Undergird, or undermine? Embrace or embitter?

Another thing is you may have to doff the martyr-cap, stop blaming your unhappiness on your husband, and deal seriously with the Lord. Maybe you have issues with being a woman, as God defines femininity. Lot of that going around, and sadly it has a lot of "cover" from the spirit of the age and creampuff "evangelicals." But anytime we think we have a better idea than God, we're back in Eden doing the Eve-thing that (after her husband's compliance) got us into this mess in the first place.

Remember, too: "leading" does not mean "doing what you want him to do without your having to tell him."

If any of this hits anywhere near where you live, sister, you need to do some serious work. It's important, it matters. You need to start with the premise that God's "dumbest" idea about womanhood is light-years better than your "brightest" idea. You need to start there, and work it out. Yourself, before God. Youtake up your cross, to die to your personal ideas of femininity in order that you might rise to God's ideas of femininity. That isn't your pastor's job or your husband's job. It's your job.

Otherwise, you really truly need to revisit the whole core of what it means to be a Christian. I am not saying you aren't a Christian; I am suggesting that maybe you have forgotten for a moment what it means, in practical terms, to be a Christian.

Much more could be said, but maybe this is enough to think over, for one short post in a blog.

But in parting I will try to sum it all up in one final pointed question: are you the sort of wife you would want to lead, if you were in your husband's shoes?

So ladies are we just giving 'lip' service or actually, sacrificially acting in accordance with the Word of God...with whomever He has placed in authority in your life?

Caffeine – The World’s Most Widely Used Psychoactive Drug

Caffeine is the world’s most widely used psychoactive drug. Sounds like a bad thing, but doesn’t have to be.

Coffee (the biggest source of caffeine) also happens to be the biggest source of antioxidants in the western diet and consumption of it has been associated with various health benefits in epidemiological studies.

The second largest source of caffeine worldwide is tea, which tends to provide a moderate amount of caffeine, depending on the type.

Caffeine causes stimulation of the central nervous system, increases vigilance and reduces drowsiness.

Caffeine has several proposed mechanisms, the main one is that it is believed to block an inhibitory neurotransmitter called Adenosine at certain synapses in the brain, leading to a net stimulant effect.

Adenosine is believe to increase in the brain throughout the day, building up a kind of a “sleep pressure.” The more Adenosine, the greater the tendency to fall asleep. Caffeine partly reverses this effect (1).

The main difference between the caffeine in coffee and tea, is that tea has a lot less of it.

Whereas a strong cup of coffee can provide 100mg, 200 or even 300mg of caffeine, a cup of tea may provide 20-60mg.

To read the entire article click --> HERE.

Chapter 6 - Lies Women Believe About Marriage

I have to admit, this chapter was tough, very tough.  As a previously married woman (divorced) and now single there was quite a bit to work through!

I'm focusing on Question #3 in the book - renew your mind (your thinking) by the Word of God. Read the following passages aloud.  What do these verses reveal about God's perspective on marriage in general and a wife's role in particular.

Heh...I just noticed it said read ALOUD.

Mark 10:6-9 - But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

God's perspective?  He made them male and female, not male to male, nor female to female.  They weren't confused about their gender.  They are to set up house as a new unit, belonging solely to one another.  I find it interesting that the man is told to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; yet a woman isn't told to the same.  I wonder if this falls into that same category of a woman needing exhortation on respecting her husband and he needing to be reminded to love her.

The number two means division - while one means unity - a man and a woman (husband and wife) becoming one flesh represents unity - just as the Father and the Son are one.

God joining a man and a woman, so can a man and woman be joined outside of God?  Hmmm. Regardless of how they came to be man and wife, God's intent is that they remain together.  Though that makes me think of how when Israel came back into the land from captivity, the men were told to put away their strange wives and children (Ezra 10).  How does that balance out?  Put away, yet don't put away?

Proverbs 31:10-12 - Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. 

A woman of great value - trustworthy, dependable, faithful.  A woman should seek to be such a woman, and a man to find such a gem.

Ephesians 5:23-24 - For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 

Ephesians 5:32-33 - This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Submission - to a man *sigh* - but in reality its to the Lord, regardless if one sought the guidance of the Lord (parents, accountability partners, pastors, friends, etc.) as a woman who is in Christ our responsibility (whether married or not) is to T-R-U-S-T the Lord.  This is incredibly hard!  I've had both 'sides' of the coin.  Married, yet needing to trust in the Lord, waiting upon Him and His guidance and wisdom in and through a very difficult marriage.

Waiting upon HIM, crying to Him at times, pleading with Him, resting in Him regarding being single.  I waver back and forth, wanting to be married and then thinking no, its not His will.  I've spoken unadvisedly with my lips vowing never to remarry (when my husband first left).  Have I vowed a vow that He heard and is holding me to?  Should I pray for a husband?  I know I am supposed to be content in whatever state I am, regardless of what His future plans may be, but it is at times extremely difficult!  It still is trusting in Him - whether its yes, wait or no.  Trusting Him to help me be content - that same level of trust in and of the Lord for a married woman with her husband.  It all truly comes back to trusting Him.

A husband is to love his wife - sacrificially, just as Christ sacrificially gave himself for His bride.  Will a man do it perfectly?  If he's not trying at all, what does a woman do?  Trust, pray, seek His counsel and guidance, if necessary outside counsel (depending upon the situation and circumstance).

A woman is to reverence - R-E-S-P-E-C-T - her man - this isn't easy!  Does this give the man a 'free pass' to not love her?  No.  If the man isn't loving, does this give the woman a 'free pass' to not respect her husband?  No.  It is a trust and obey issue for both - and forgiveness when they fall or fail to live up to God's standards or human expectations.

1 Peter 3:1-6 - Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. 

I have to be honest - the whole Sara thing, it baffles my brain.  I mean really?  Twice Abraham gives, or allows Sara to be 'wed' or 'betrothed' to another man, all the while married to him! 

Really?  I'm sorry, but I don't think I could go that route.  Now to put it in perspective, Sara really had no choice - a woman is owned by her husband (this one baffles me as well, and how, or if, it has a sustainable position today).  She had no money, nothing of 'hers' - if you will.  She has to go.  Yet she didn't make a scene, didn't say a word, didn't slip a note to the king - 'psst, hey, I'm really already married to Abraham.'

She waited patiently - and maybe that's the whole point, not what she had to wait patiently on - each woman's situation will be different, but she must wait upon the Lord.  Trusting him.  Yet, when it came to trust, Sara tried to 'help' God by giving Hagar (her Egyptian maid) to Abraham as a surrogate mother.  What a mess her 'solution' made!

What are we called to 'wait upon the Lord' for and are trying to 'help' God out?  Manipulating or being devious in trying to orchestrate situations and/or circumstances to have it 'turn out right?'  Oh, ladies, let's be honest, when we get a bee in our bonnets, we will 'work' it from every angle.  Not always, but we sure do run a host of plans through the mental mill.  Wait, I say, wait upon the Lord and He will give HIS answer in due season.

Isa_40:31  But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Psa_37:9  For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.