Double Minded

Jas 1:8  A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. 

Jas 4:8  Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. 

Double minded - G1374 - From G1364 and G5590; two spirited, that is, vacillating (in opinion or purpose).

• G1364 - Adverb from G1417; twice.
• G1417 - A primary numeral; “two”.
• G5590 - From G5594; breath, that is, (by implication) spirit, abstractly or concretely (the animal sentient principle only; thus distinguished on the one hand from G4151, which is the rational and immortal soul; and on the other from G2222, which is mere vitality, even of plants: these terms thus exactly correspond respectively to the Hebrew [H5315], [H7307] and [H2416].
• G5594 - A primary verb; to breathe (voluntarily but gently; thus differing on the one hand from G4154, which denotes properly a forcible respiration; and on the other from the base of G109, which refers properly to an inanimate breeze), that is, (by implication of reduction of temperature by evaporation) to chill (figuratively).

I feel like I'm double minded.  Not all the time, or about everything.  Just marriage.  On the one side, I think no, I am content.  I enjoy my solitude.  Then on the other side I think, no, I would love to have someone to share the adventure of life. Especially when I come across something like this:

That sums it up...for me.  I want someone who finds my mind beautiful.  Who seems me as desirable, mentally.  Is that odd?  Selfish?  Shouldn't my desire for a spouse be something, I don't know...more?

Shouldn't I be more focused on what I can give or provide to someone versus what I *want*?

Am I truly praying for whatever His will is?  Desiring His plans and purposes?  Because when it comes down to it, it's really His choice.  Trying to 'force' His hand and go down a path He's not approved doesn't work out well.  Trying to 'make do' or lower your standards to avoid being alone isn't worth the price.

So here I am...wondering, I think yes, then no, so is that double minded?  Or can this be a form of prayer, as I surrender to Him?  Not wanting my way, but trusting, waiting on Him, should He decide He has someone for me?  Or continuing to learn contentedness, seeing, knowing Him as my heavenly husband?  I really don't know, and I think I can honestly say, either path is okay.

Maybe that's where He wants me to be, if it's yes, good.  If it's no, good.  So beloved saints, do we happily receive a NO as well as we would a YES?

Misogymist

mi·sog·y·nist

məˈsäjənist/

noun

1. 1.

   a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women.

or

noun

1.

a person who hates, dislikes, mistrusts, or mistreats women.

I've come across this attitude in men; however, I've recently been exposed to negative attitudes from women, and not because they are in an authority position.

Rather, because they aren't - um - married. In some conservative Christian circles if you're not married you aren't 'worthy'.  In some, if you're married but not popping out babies every couple of years, well, what's wrong with you?!

Now no one comes right out and says it like that...but if you're 20+ and not married, well, you old spinster you!  God forbid you're in your 30s or 40s and never married.  Seems to completely mitigate the God is sovereign theology (God is in control).

It's the smug attitude which sort of chaps my hiney - 'I'm married' and have somehow 'achieved' a higher plane or 'arrived'.  Really?

'I'm married and have children. I'm fulfilling the scriptural commandment which says a woman will be 'saved' in childbearing.'  Really?

The attitude isn't much better if you've been married and are widowed (or divorced, which in some circles is almost akin to being a leper) and haven't remarried.  Really?

As if those who haven't yet married, but have a desire and longing to be married are somehow inferior?

So ladies are we judging one another by our marital status or reproduction ability?  Or rather are we looking at each other as Christ does, as His image bearers?  Concerned about the eternal state versus the temporal?  Praying for those who wish to be married but by God's design aren't yet?

Statistically the 'pool' of male/female isn't in our favor.  Especially as we age.  If you live in the United States here's a visual:

Blue is for boys; pink is for girls.  :-)  Courtesy of Business Insider, which lists the ratio per state.  Men are more plentiful in the Northwest?  Or fare better in colder states?

If men who only see a woman's value in her bed warming, baby making, bread baking capacity are objectifying, what are women doing?  How are we supporting and/or encouraging those whom the Lord hasn't allowed (or doesn't decree) they marry (or remarry)?

What attitudes do we have and/or project?  What causes a woman to have value?  Are we valuing one another for who we are in Christ?

Where is she?

As I was preparing the blog post on Who can find, I began thinking about where does a man find a wife?

Some reflections from Scripture:

Eliezer (seeking a wife for Isaac):

Gen 24:11 And he made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water at the time of the evening, even the time that women go out to draw water.

Gen 24:12 And he said, O LORD God of my master Abraham, I pray thee, send me good speed this day, and shew kindness unto my master Abraham.

Gen 24:13 Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:

Gen 24:14 And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.

Noted - I'm assuming this was Rebekah's customary task to daily fetch water. I was trying to query the significance of wells and the women who were met at them. Another rabbit trail...though I don't agree with this article, a couple of items captured my attention. one of which was giving Rebekah a choice in accepting the marriage proposal.

Jacob:

Gen 29:9 And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep: for she kept them.

Gen 29:10 And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother.

Moses:

Exo 2:15 Now when Pharaoh heard this thing, he sought to slay Moses. But Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well.

Exo 2:16 Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters: and they came and drew water, and filled the troughs to water their father's flock.

Exo 2:17 And the shepherds came and drove them away: but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock.

Exo 2:18 And when they came to Reuel their father, he said, How is it that ye are come so soon to day?

Exo 2:19 And they said, An Egyptian delivered us out of the hand of the shepherds, and also drew water enough for us, and watered the flock.

Boaz:

Then we have the story of Ruth - who went out to glean grain for her mother-in-law and herself, and received much more.  Read Ruth.  :-)

In these few examples I've reflected upon, the women were going about their daily chores and/or responsibilities.  Daily fetching water from wells, interacting on a regular basis within the community, seeing and being seen.

A close knit community and focus on providing marriage partners would have been a priority.  Our culture has lost the focus and beauty of marriage and working to ensure preparation and opportunity for marrying and finding suitable mates.

So where are are wells of today?  (I thought this overview of wells was interesting.)

Family Gatherings - weddings and funerals (is that morbid?), reunions (do people still have these?).

Church Gatherings - and I'm not referring to the youth groups - I am frankly wholly opposed to fragmenting people based upon age, gender or marital status.  I'm not quite sure what a church social is, but would think any activity hosted by a group of believers which allows for interactions and inspection qualifies.

Community Service - not for the sake of meeting people, but if you have a passion, talent or interest in a particular area, this provides a chance to be out and about in the community.

What if you're limited on family and/or church gatherings?  Not able, or interested, in community service?  Could the internet be a well?

I know several who met their future mates online.  Family and church gatherings would be more localized wells, while the internet provides an international flavor.

Is this avenue for everyone?  No.  Does it require safe  and solid boundaries?  Yes.  Good accountability and oversight?  Yes.  If you choose to be seen in the community of internet wells it is imperative to thoroughly vet any potential suitors.

Here are a few sites I have either used or perused:

Sovereign Grace Singles - I like this one for the fellowship.  There is definitely a feel of community here.  One is able to interact in group settings and or forum discussions. Free membership - full access.  Theologically reformed.

Reformed Singles - I liked this one because you must have a pastoral referral.  The drawback was no open chat rooms or forums (this may have changed).  Annual fee less than $40.00 (or so).  Theologically reformed.

Marry Well - I've not used this site; however I appreciate the overall focus is in finding a mate - not just dating.  I had thought it required pastoral approval, but may mistaken.  Free for basic membership, reasonable cost for premium.  Theological focus, unsure.

Ultimately for those who are single and prayerfully desiring marriage, it is trusting God, knowing He will bring either contentment in singleness or a mate.  It is imperative (I believe) that there be a good foundation of prayer intercessors, as well as those who are willing to help and/or facilitate opportunities for well encounters.

Lord, comfort those who may be single and seeking, guide and direct them, raise up others to pray and intercede.  Help each of us as Your children to find contentment in whatever situation or circumstance You've provided.

A Husband Who Leads

Isn't that what most married women want? And single ladies in hopes of marrying want?  This question, or a form of it, came up in our Lies study, Chapter 6 (marriage). "If my husband is passive, I've got to take the initiative or nothing will get done."

I came across the blog post below from Pyromaniacs a while back and held onto...and reread it tonight, bulls eye!

"are you the sort of wife you would want to lead, if you were in your husband's shoes?"

Ouch...here's the entire article by Dan Phillips
Are you sure you want a husband who...?  ...leads?

I was a young(er), inexperienced pastor, and befriended two church members. Both were long-timers, very active, seemed like good folks.

As I got to know them better, I got the message very clearly from "Suzy": she was really frustrated with "Bill," because Bill just wouldn't lead. Suzy made this known in many ways, over and over. Bill was not leading, Suzy really wanted him to, she was really bitter and angry and frustrated over it.

Well I was youngish and green, and my dutiful goal was clear to me: I needed to work with Bill, help him become a leader in that marriage. So I spent time with Bill, worked with him, made suggestions. Bill was initially a bit leery but not unwilling. In fact, he became very cooperative.

The result? Bill became an effective leader, Suzy was radiantly happy, both praised and honored God, both loved me, and they remain dear friends to this day.

...

That sound you just heard, in that pause? It was 97% of the pastors reading this, laughing bitterly and saying "Riiiight!"

Those pastors can tell you what really came next. Suzy was not happy with Bill or with me, and both ended up hating me. Why? I'm sure many of you will assume I did things wrong, and I won't disagree with you. But the bottom-line was that Suzy did not want a leader for a husband, and Bill's reticence was a form of self-protection forged from that conflict.

Bill's shortcomings gave Suzy what she really wanted. She really wanted something to complain about in her husband. She wanted a tale to tell on him in gatherings. She wanted something to bring her sympathy and commiseration, to make her look martyred and longsuffering. It fed into her self-image. And she wanted to stay in charge.

Take away from that, and she lost something dear to her. See, everyone does what (s)he does because (s)he believes it will bring happiness. So this poor woman was batting away what sheneeded by the very things she did in pursuit of what she wanted. And I was sap enough to come between her and it, in kind of aProverbs 26:17 no-win situation.

Ladies, does any of that strike any chord within you, any "ouchy" chord? Look, it's just you and me, nobody's watching. You can be candid. You grouse about your poor schlub of a husband who doesn't initiate this and doesn't pursue that and doesn't decide for himself and do the other thing. Maybe your pastor and girlfriends know how frustrated you are. Maybe your pastor knows. Worst of all, maybe your children even know.

Let me ask you just two questions, as I've asked many more elsewhere.

First question: have you possibly contributed to his abdication?

Note the careful wording. Every man's sin is his own, as is every woman's. But God gave you to him to help him (Genesis 1:26); so you do have a crucial, God-given role in his life. He needs this from you. Are you giving it?
Proverbs 14:1 says, "Feminine wisdom builds her house, but feminine denseness tears it down with her own hands" (my translation). I've often thought "hands" could also be "tongue." God has given you a very powerful tongue, which you can use for good, to make him feel like a king (Proverbs 12:4a), or for evil, to eat out the very bones from within him (Proverbs 12:4b). But if you're wise, you will commit yourself to do your husband nothing but good, ever, whether with hands or tongue (Proverbs 31:11-12).

So how does he feel about leading you? Does his heart sing at the prospect? Or does he wince and cringe and groan, because he knows every decision will be faulted, criticized, found wanting, and countered; every mistake will noted, analyzed, and commented on; and every success will be minimized or credited elsewhere? Were I to ask your husband who his most loyal admirer and supporter was, would your name leap to his smiling lips? Should it?
Your husband listens to you better than you think he does, very possibly better than you listen to yourself. He hears you. What you say has an impact. If he's off in a corner somewhere rolled up into a ball, it may say all sorts of horrible things about him. But I'm not talking to him right now. I'm talking to you. And I'm asking you — have you played any part in that?
Second question: do you really want him to become a leader?

You see, the thing about a leader is he leads. That doesn't mean that he always demands his way, untouched by others' input. That's a fool, not a leader (Proverbs 12:15; 13:10; 15:22; 20:18). But it does mean that he will lead, that he will make the final decision. And it means that you must follow, and that not in a formal, outward, dotted-i-but-resentful-hearted way; you should follow respectfully and from the heart. At least, that's what God says (Ephesians 5:22f.; 1 Peter 3:1-6 [remember this post?]).

Now it is possible that you'd have 40, 50, 75 years of married bliss in which every notion your husband has just happens to be exactly what you'd have thought of yourself. Meanwhile, here on Planet Earth, odds are in the other direction. And what do you do in that case? Undergird, or undermine? Embrace or embitter?

Another thing is you may have to doff the martyr-cap, stop blaming your unhappiness on your husband, and deal seriously with the Lord. Maybe you have issues with being a woman, as God defines femininity. Lot of that going around, and sadly it has a lot of "cover" from the spirit of the age and creampuff "evangelicals." But anytime we think we have a better idea than God, we're back in Eden doing the Eve-thing that (after her husband's compliance) got us into this mess in the first place.

Remember, too: "leading" does not mean "doing what you want him to do without your having to tell him."

If any of this hits anywhere near where you live, sister, you need to do some serious work. It's important, it matters. You need to start with the premise that God's "dumbest" idea about womanhood is light-years better than your "brightest" idea. You need to start there, and work it out. Yourself, before God. Youtake up your cross, to die to your personal ideas of femininity in order that you might rise to God's ideas of femininity. That isn't your pastor's job or your husband's job. It's your job.

Otherwise, you really truly need to revisit the whole core of what it means to be a Christian. I am not saying you aren't a Christian; I am suggesting that maybe you have forgotten for a moment what it means, in practical terms, to be a Christian.

Much more could be said, but maybe this is enough to think over, for one short post in a blog.

But in parting I will try to sum it all up in one final pointed question: are you the sort of wife you would want to lead, if you were in your husband's shoes?

So ladies are we just giving 'lip' service or actually, sacrificially acting in accordance with the Word of God...with whomever He has placed in authority in your life?

10 Things Wives Should Know About Husbands

This article quotes several marriage and/or relationship counselors. It is well worth the time to consider the points - the first one was given to me years ago...its so hard though when you've been home ALL day with no adult conversation!

1. When he needs space
2. When he's really listening
3. The most productive way to fight...
4. ...and when the argument is going nowhere
5. Which topics set him off
6. How (and when) to be his support system
7. When he's not loving your love life
8. How he views his role as husband and father
9. What his dream job (or vacation or car) is
10. That you don't know everything about him

I've recently been pondering on number 6 - a man wants a woman to support him.  Does that mean they want one who is frank, direct and tells it like it is?

Or are their egos too tender to withstand it?  Does that fall into the 'tact' category?  Knowing when to speak and be blunt and when to be quiet?  Obviously a balance to be sure...I can't imagine living with a man whose ego requires one to walk on egg shells.

Perhaps the best avenue is to consider, how would I like to be addressed and/or have this handled.

Balance...relationships definitely take balance.  Give and take, respect, consideration, cooperation and compromise!

Lies Women Believe...

...and men too.

"Both women and men had to be made to perceive diamonds not as marketable precious stones but as an inseparable part of courtship and married life."1

I'm involved in a ladies study, we're currently working through the book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

This isn't a review of the book - yet, rather, I'm amazed how easily marketing can mislead and deceive us.

"The diamond invention—the creation of the idea that diamonds are rare and valuable, and are essential signs of esteem—is a relatively recent development in the history of the diamond trade."1

Diamonds are a girls best friend? True or false?

First we might want to describe the term best friend. I'm having a hard time 'agreeing' with an inanimate object being a best friend! A dog perhaps, but not a rock...not even a pet rock!

Diamonds are forever. True or False?

"The illusion had to be created that diamonds were forever -- "forever" in the sense that they should never be resold."1

Diamonds have value beyond sentimental? Or phrased differently, they have long term value, they increase versus maintain (or lose) their value?

"The diamond-holding public, which includes people who inherit diamonds, had to remain convinced that diamonds retained their monetary value."1

Interest in researching this topic was stirred by a recent post from American Vision titled, My $3,500 advice to couples contemplating marriage regarding spending money on an 'asset' which really isn't and quoted Epstein's Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond. I recommend reading both articles.

For those who interested in reading Epstein's book on the topic:  The Diamond Invention.

Don't flip that love, let it B-U-R-N!

Courtesy of Cherishing Hopes and Dreams

When I was about 12 years old, I attended a family bridal shower for my soon-to-be aunt Marilee. We played a game where we had to think of marriage advice inspired by different kitchen utensils. It was pretty nerdy, with a "Treat each other 'grate' (cheese grater)" and, "'Open' your heart to each other (can opener)," etc. Until we got to my cousin Lexi, who was my exact same age. Inspired by a spatula, she advised:

"Don't flip your love over. Let it burn."

The crowd went wild, especially because it came from a tween! And I haven't forgotten it, fifteen years later. You know what else? That might be the best marriage advice I've ever heard from anyone. Ever. It has helped my marriage, that's for sure. But of course you have to think of ways to let your love burn, so it involves a lot of work. But that is when marriage thrives the most.

So without further ado, here is my not-so-professional but I'd-like-to-think-awesome list of marriage advice. It's a compilation of things I studied in college, things I've learned about myself in marriage, and things my sweet husband has done that I deeply appreciate. These snippets of advice are centered around building and maintaining trust, friendship and affection.

1. DELETE THE NUMBERS OF PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX FROM YOUR PHONE.
If there is a number you truly need, have your spouse put it in his or her phone.  And if for some reason someone of the opposite sex needs to get your number, tell them that you and your spouse have a special deal where you don't take numbers of people of the opposite sex, and offer to give the person your spouse's number instead. I have a great married pal at work who wanted to double date with John and me, so he asked for my phone number so he could call and set things up. I told him of John's and my rule, offered to give him John's number instead, and he absolutely loved that idea. He said he wants to start doing that with his wife, too.

2. FORWARD ALL TEXTS CONVERSATIONS OR EMAILS FROM PEOPLE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX TO YOUR SPOUSE.
Of course there might be a few stragglers from all the numbers you deleted, but you can still foster trust with your spouse by reporting any type of technological interaction with someone of the opposite sex to him or her (FACEBOOK, ANYONE?). John and I do this, and it strengthens our love for each other a little more each time we do, even though it's something seemingly little.

***editor's note: A lot of people have expressed issues with #1 and #2. I may have made it sound like John and I formally and rigidly report all interactions of the opposite sex to each other, and that we get in huge fights and lose trust if we don't, but it's really quite casual. We just mention it in passing to keep the other informed, and to help keep ourselves accountable (and believe it or not, we do have friends of the opposite sex...). A lot of people have told me that they think doing this would foster suspicion and distrust in their relationship, but I still stand by what I said. From my personal experience (which is far more extensive than I let on on this blog...) it is just so much safer to keep your husband or wife in "the know." Plus, no matter how great a marriage is, its strength and passion naturally ebbs and flows over the years. John and I have talked about the importance of investing in and protecting our marriage every second, even when it's at its best, so that when things get a little tougher we are in the habit and never let it get away from us. If you don't supervise your marriage when it is good, what motivation would you have to when it's hard? It's the "little things" like mentioning your old boyfriend from High School wants to be friends on Facebook (etc...) that can prevent a lot more damage that you might not even realize is possible in a healthy relationship. I mean, why NOT try to keep our relationship as safe and cherished as possible? It is our MARRIAGE, after all. Kinda important to us.

3. TURN OFF YOUR CELLPHONES AFTER 8:00pm
(we are working on this one...)
Or whatever time works with your schedule so that you have undivided time together each day, even if it's only for twenty minutes at night. During this time, talk about your days. Invite the other into your world by painting them a picture of what you experienced that day. If you do this for several nights and you start to see patterns in your spouse's day, ask him or her about it, or about things you've recognized are important to them.

4. ASK FOR ADVICE FROM YOUR SPOUSE
Everyone loves to hear that their opinion is valued. If you ask your spouse for advice, it gives him or her a sense of importance and being needed by you. Plus, chances are they'll give you their advice even if you don't ask for it, so it would be nice to take the opportunity to turn the exchange into something more meaningful that builds the other up.

5. SCHEDULE ALONE TIME
What you do with that time is up to you and your spouse, but just make sure you make a schedule of when you will spend time alone with each other and then stick to it. It will give you something to look forward too, think about, get excited about, and that way your spouse is always on your mind and in your heart.

6. FLIRT UNAPOLOGETICALLY
Flirting, in essence, is using words and actions to make someone of the opposite sex feel good about themselves. Don't feel silly, just be sappy and sassy to the extent you feel comfortable. Simply expound on the feelings you are already feeling--tell your spouse why you think they are amazing, not just that you think they are amazing. Tell your spouse how you are physically attracted to them. Tell your spouse how they are intelligent, capable, and competent. Men like to feel like heros, women like to feel appreciated--so keep that in mind and tell your spouse what he or she likes to hear. And try to vocalize it as often as you think it. No one ever gets sick of hearing how amazing they are.

7. SAVE YOUR BEST SELF FOR YOUR SPOUSE
Life is full of obligations that wear you out. Then when you get home at the end of the day you are too tired to have meaningful exchanges with your spouse. So, throughout your day, think of ways you can conserve some of your energy so that you can return to your spouse at the end of the day ready to give all your heart.

8. PRIMP FOR EACH OTHER
This goes along with saving your best self for your spouse. Before you are reunited at the end of a long day, take time to freshen up for your spouse. Brush your teeth or pop some gum. Reapply deodorant and smelly-good spray. Blow your nose. Gals, touch up your makeup and hair. Put on a cute outfit, or at least appear like you've made a little effort. It helps keep the courtship fresh.

9. PROACTIVELY THINK OF WAYS TO SERVE YOUR SPOUSE
It is my opinion that there is no better way to continually fall in love with your spouse than by serving him or her. We love the most the things we sacrifice for, so make sure you are thinking of ways to sacrifice for your spouse. It could be time, comfort, interests, convenience, but just make sure you consciously sacrifice a little each day. When John is annoying me for an extended period of time for one reason or another (Don't worry, Baby, this is just hypothetical...) I brainstorm ways I can serve him, and then I do it. My heart is always softened and I remember why I'm crazy about him and forget why he drives me crazy. Having said that, it is equally important to let your spouse sacrifice for you, which can often times be a little more difficult to do.

10. FEED YOUR SPIRITS TOGETHER
This could be up for individual interpretation, but for John and me it involves praying together, reading the Word of God together, and thinking of ways we can serve God's children together. Your dyad is stronger when it's really a triad with the Lord.

So there ya go. Like I said, I'm no professional or anything. I just love my marriage and have pinpointed some little things that have made ours so great. So hopefully they can help yours, as well. I'd love to hear things that help your marriage, too, so share the love!!

The Marital Cup

Marriage is like handblown glass, delicate in substance but strong in construction. It can hold the vintage of years gone by. A cup blessed and preserved by God.

What keeps a marriage?

Only the nearness of God.

Read more...